This is my story: from the Beginning

I have been planning on documenting my life and experiences in book form for a number of years.  In the upcoming days and weeks, I will post portions...sort of an outline of my yet to be published autobiography.  I was going to wait until my mother dies before putting anything out there about my story, but I feel I can no longer do that.  There are already too many people suffering out there who could possibly benefit from knowing that they are not alone.

Birth of a Democracy

What an amazing sight to see on the news today....the joyous faces of the Egyptian people celebrating the success of their peaceful revolution to reclaim their government.  This was a rare sight to see....History in the making on Live TV.  I hope the Egyptian people can come together and build a Democracy that represents all Egyptians.  Thrilling sight!

On Turning Sixty

I turned 60 yesterday...a more sobering birthday than most.  We sort of celebrated as I continue to struggle with Klonopin.  Tapered down to 1 mg.  As of next Monday, I will be down to nothing.  Nada.  No more Klonopin.  Will I sleep?  This is horrible.  This is horrible.  This is horrible.

A Love Letter to My Daughter

In a little more than a month, my beloved, oldest daughter, now 35, will give birth to a son.  This will be her first child, and my first grandchild.  She is blessed with good health, and the support of the love of her life...her husband.
  Both Shauna an Ian are about to begin an amazing journey...nothing will ever be the same.  I know, that I, as a young mother, pregnant with Shauna, I often felt over-whelmed by the upcoming responsibilities and challenges this new life would mean to me.  As I slowly gathered all the material things this new baby would require, I was giddy with excitement and fear.  Would the baby be healthy?  Would I be a good mother?  What if...My questions were endless.  I spent a lot of time annoying my Obstetrician with questions, both legitimate and ridiculous.
  I now spend a lot of time speaking with my daughter on the telephone, listening to her talk about her pregnancy, her fears, and her excitement.   I marvel at her maturity and wisdom.  Her grace under pressure during these uncertain times is truly amazing.  We discuss organic baby mattresses, breast-feeding, and education, diapers, and temper tantrums.  Although we live miles apart (Shauna and Ian live in Virginia, and I live in Michigan), I feel closer to my beautiful daughter than ever before.  We are about to share a common bond....motherhood. Soon she and Ian will experience the happiest moment of their lives.  Shauna faces this challenge with an uncommon dignity and intelligence.  Ian stands by her side, soothing her through her fears, attending birthing classes, and preparing himself for the days ahead.  We have discussed the joys and the sorrows, the challenges, the successes and failures that will arise as they raise their child.  I advise, as best I can, but sometimes, there are no words I can say to her to prepare her for what is to come.
  Shauna, while very different than me, and with many interests that do not always intersect with my own, has always been, in a way...my soul-mate.  I understand her quirky little ways, as she has put up with my own strange ways over the years.  We are both creative people with a love of music, dance, animals, and art.  We share the same wicked strain of humor...We share anxieties.  Whatever I expected of Shauna, as she was growing up, she has always exceeded.  An over-achiever, she is her own worst critic.  I get that.
  These are exciting times for Shauna, as a first-time mother, and for me as a first-time Nanna.   No.  Nothing will ever be the same.  But I am not worried.  The future is always uncertain, but I am confident, Shauna will be ready.  There are no words I can use to describe just how proud/happy I am of her and her achievements.  When I tell Shauna that I love her, I am sure she does not fully understand the depth of those words.  Toward the end of March, when she holds her newborn son in her arms, she will understand what those words truly mean.
  Over the years, we have had our share of successes and difficulties, happiness and regrets.  Was I a good mother?  I was never quite sure of that until now.          


 

Withdrawal from Klonopin, Day 9

I had REAL difficulty sleeping last night.   Sometimes Klonopin withdrawal can cause respiratory symptoms.  That is what's bothering me now.  We were hit with a big snowstorm last night, so...the gym is closed.  They're still digging out at the barn...not a lot of ways to distract myself.  I did go outside to play with Bree, my Malamute, and took some really nice photos of her.  I attempted to post them here, but I can't seem to find them....Don't know what's up with that.  Sometimes I think about people with chronic illnesses.   People who live with daily pain...and I feel like such a wimp.  Eventually, my body will eliminate this drug after the taper.  Those with MS, Fibromyalgia, Cancer....Their pain never goes away.  I have to remember that when all of this is really getting me down.  It has been said that true strength is in the mind.  I believe that.

Withdrawal from Klonopin, Day 8

Slept okay last night...better than I thought I would, because I remembered Klonopin has a long half-life.  It can take up to 35 hours to get out of your system.  One mg. down.  Three to go.  WTF!  Why does it have to be this PAINFUL!  Thought I'd post an old Youngloods song/circa 1969 that has always given me great comfort.

Youngbloods - Darkness, darkness