Stalkers

I know how to track your IP address...and you.  I have tracked down the IP address of one person who has been following me all over the net.  Sadly, it is a relative.  Stop it now.  You have been warned.  Shall I mention your name, home address, email address, phone number, and the name of your business? No? Then cease and desist.

Headaches

I have never been prone to headaches.

Really.

Life can be a headache.  My swim goggles give me a headache.  Every day.  Every swim.  Contact lenses? Yeah.  Headache.  All known, preventable, external headaches.  They are temporary.  They disappear with time.

Okay. The occasional tension headache.

But now.  Migraines that last for hours. Or days.  Complete with hallucinogenic lights, roaring in my ears.  The kind that make me bury my head under the covers, whining like a babe.  

Oh. And the neck pain.  Yeah. There's that.  My doc believes it is due to several TBIs I managed to suffer last winter.

And yeah.  The accident.  Hitting a hapless doe at 70mph on I-94.  

Well.  I am still here.  Sadly, the doe is not.

But the headaches?  

Just a blip in my radar.  The journey is just beginning.

Black Friday

Let's Feed Some People

Uh huh.

Truth

The truth will come out in the documentary.

Dream

Last week I spent a week at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. Without getting too specific, I was there to investigate a serious health issue. A cancer scare. While there, I had multiple tests done...scans...biopsies. Name it. On the night before the final day of testing, I had a very unnerving dream. It was a very clear dream about experiences I had with a childhood friend. This was someone who had not crossed my mind since High School. Her final message was this: "Everything will be alright. Don't be afraid." I woke up dripping wet with sweat. 

I picked up my iPhone and googled her. Her funeral was the day before. The day before!!! I read her obituary. Honestly, I was shaken. What did this mean?  I'm not religious. Afterlife? Who knows. 

That morning, I went in for my final test. 

My final consultation with the doc: BENIGN!

Letter to Diana Nyad

Diana, Don Woodkayaker McCumber suggested I post this story on your page. About 4 weeks ago, I started having severe stomach pain. After an Endoscopy, an ulcer was discovered, along with an Unidentified "mass". The biopsy of the ulcer turned out to be benign, but the "mass" was questionable. So. I decided to take my sorry stomach to the top of the food chain at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. I live in Michigan, so it was a 12 hour drive. They ran "massive" amounts of tests during my week at the Clinic. *I can laugh now, but, at the time I was terrified.* One day, as I was waiting to undergo an Endoscopy/Colonoscopy at the Clinic, a Japanese gentleman approached me and took a photograph of me with his camera. I happened to be wearing your Onward tee. He then thrust a piece of paper at me with a pen. I was puzzled, at first, but then realized he must have thought I was you! Blonde hair...same age...roughly. (However, you are much cuter than I am) So. I signed it with my initials: JAG. I think I made his day! After an extremely long, and stressful amount of time, that day *Stomach cancer has but a 10% survival rate.* I finally met with the GI doc to get the verdict. It was benign!!! I was ecstatic! I gave the doc the link to my donor site. (I'll be swimming the Mackinac Straits next summer to benefit Gleaners Community Food Bank of southeast Michigan. As far as anyone has been able to figure out, I'll be the oldest person to make this swim.) He went to my page, and immediately clicked on the $100.00 amount...pulled out his credit card, and donated! He got a huge polar bear hug from me for that...and the great diagnosis! The huz and I went out immediately to celebrate!
The next day, we started the long journey to Michigan. We were about 40 miles from home, when a huge deer came out of nowhere. We hit the deer at 70 mph. We limped off the interstate into the nearest gas station. I was sobbing uncontrollably, because a beautiful doe died a violent death right in front of me. Our car was totaled. After we summoned the State Troopers, I realized that I was hurt. My neck was hurting, and my shoulder was hurting. There was blood on my shirt! So. An ambulance was called. I was ferried off to the nearest ER, where I was treated for shock, and other mild injuries. Then the doc wanted to cut my shirt off. *the lucky ONWARD tee*
Me: If anyone tries to cut off this shirt off I will hit you.
Doc: We need to make sure your shoulder is not broken.
Me: It's not.
Doc: How do you know that?
Me: I know my body. Take an X-ray!
The X-Ray showed NO BREAK!
So now, I have this magical Diana Nyad, blood- stained tee! I'm thinking about having it framed.
You rock, Diana!
Love,
julie
http://www.gcfb.org/MackStraits

Compassion

The big questions:

Have we, as a nation, lost our compassion for others?

Do we limit our compassion?

Are we only concerned about our communities. Our friends. Our families?

Is it all about self-love?

There have been hundreds of books written about love of self, self-esteem, self-fulfillment. Should self issues be our primary concern?

Are we so blinded by our own interests, that we have lost interest about the suffering of strangers?

Life is hard. I get that. Can we emerge from our own cocoons, look around us, and see clearly, that we are not alone?

Do we have what it takes to bring out the Mother Teresa that exists within all of us?

Are we able to take big steps? Steps that are difficult, clumsy, and inconvenient?

It all begins with baby steps.

Fear # 1 Vanquished

My stomach biopsy came back negative for cancer! YAAAY for that!  We're still concerned about what caused the stomach abyss...sooo...we'll be off to the Mayo Clinic when I get back home. 

Mayo *No. Not the condiment, sillies* is rated #1 in GI. SOOOO....Hoping to get some answers.

Fear

Before my mother died in February, 2014, we talked on the phone several days a week. She told me many times that, as a child, I was absolutely fearless. I am still that way...*Well. Except spiders* When I told her about my plan to swim the Macinac Straits next summer in July, 2015, she laughed, and said: I  believe you will. So. I am doing just that, as most of you already know. And I will finish.

I have been training like a fiend for months. Then I started feeling fatigued. I didn't feel quite right. I was nauseous, and my stomach often hurt. Then I started developing pain in my stomach. I ignored it for quite a while, and assumed it was due to the stress of the fund-raising. Then it began hurting between meals. I assumed I wasn't eating enough, and increased my caloric intake, and started taking vitamins. 

Finally, about three weeks ago, it became intolerable, so I made an appointment to see my personal physician. She examined me, an ordered blood work. A week or so later, I looked at my "Patient Portal" on my computer, and noticed all of my blood work was normal. A nurse phoned me, and told me that everything was "fine". I was put on a bland diet, and prescribed over- the counter Prilosec. 

No follow up was suggested. The pain continued to worsen. I went to st. Joe's Hospital and saw a Gastroenterologist there, who suggested an immediate endoscopy. 

The procedure was painless and quick. While I was still pretty groggy, the doc came in and told me that he had found a deep ulcer.  He told me he did several gipsies, because he was unsure of the cause.  I asked him to be honest with me, and tell me what he suspected. He was hesitant to talk about it, because he didn't want me to worry. I told him I was a big girl, and really wanted to know. He said there were several possible causes: but that he felt it looked like stomach cancer, but couldn't be certain until the biopsies came back. He said it would probably take about a week. 

The prognosis for stomach cancer is very poor. The treatment would involve surgery, chemo, and radiation. I appreciated his honesty. 

Now I wait. 

I pray that it is not stomach cancer. But if it is, I will refuse treatment. 

I WILL swim the Straits next summer, and I will finish.

I ask for your prayers, because now...for the very first time...I am afraid.

Winning

We all play games. A lot of us participate in sports, competitively, and otherwise. Most of us want to be at least competent at what we do. But. Winning is the siren's call.  It's hard to reject its sultry song.

By listening to this call, we forget about what is truly important. Do we love what we are doing, or, do we just participate because we excel? It's a question all athletes need to ask themselves. Constantly. 

I swim. I excel at it. But. At this stage in my life, I win by simply showing up. Period. In my age group the competition is quickly dissipating. The thrill is gone. I will continue to compete occasionally, but I get no joy out of swimming in a herd. I will occasionally compete in The Coastal Crawl. I will probably enter Chicago's Big Shoulders swim. But. I will do it for the experience of swimming in waters that I love. Winning? Meh.

My biggest joy comes from swimming in beautiful waters, alone with my thoughts, and the occasional camaraderie of another swimmer or kayaker.  The sunrises, the sunsets. The waters. Calm, or rough. There is a great freedom that comes with this. And there is the knowledge that I am truly swimming for the love of the experience. 

That is all.

Hump Day

I swim at least 15K on Wednesdays. Lane 3. That's where I will be. No weight training today. But. I will be doing a 3K LSD warmup. Then 10x200m sprints on the top. 10x100m sprints on the top. 10x50 meter sprints on the minute. Then 1650m with negative splits.   2x50m no breathers. 1K random drills. 1K cool down. 30 minutes of play. Did that add up to 15 K? Don't know. Probably.

Family

I love my husband. I love him more than he will ever know. He is my heartbeat. My best moment in time. He loves me despite my failings and limitations. I can be stubborn, and opinionated. He understands me. He "gets me".

I have three amazing children. They are each so incredible in their own way. My oldest daughter calls me almost every day, and we FaceTime with my beautiful, beloved grandson. Every conversation with them is a precious moment in my life. They live on the East coast. It seems so far away. But our daily conversations allow me to watch my precious grandson grow up.

My son and his wife are so happy on the West Coast. Knowing that they are happy makes me smile every day.

My baby. My wild child. Child of my soul, has finally found herself in the mountains of Colorado. Thinking of her with her snowboard cutting a line down the mountain, makes my heart soar.

Sadly, I lost my Mother last February. I often find myself wanting to pick up the phone to tell her something, and I get caught up in a moment of sadness and loss.

My Father died years ago. But. That is another story.

Now my family of origin is gone. There is no one left. No siblings. No one with whom to share old memories.

One thing I will never forget, were my conversations with my Mother in the years before she died. She would talk about my childhood. She told me I was absolutely fearless as a child.  When I told her I was going to swim the Mackinac Straits, she said: "I believe you will!".  So when I feel weak and alone, I remember her words.

The Truth About The University of Michigan Healthcare System

It should be noted that the experiences of which I speak, reflect only my own experiences with the U of M Healthcare Systems. Others have had similar, if not worse experiences, but I will not be taking them into account in this blog.  

My family and I have lived in Michigan for more than 30 years.  The new U of M Hospital was just being completed. Now, it is a giant, hulking, monster series of buildings that is consuming Ann Arbor.  Here are some of my experiences.

When I was a 30 something, my U of M doc, who had the bedside manner of a bridge troll, diagnosed me with a herniated disc at L5. I was referred to a surgeon at the Ortho Clinic in the U of M main building. He took one look at my X-Rays, and informed me that he could not perform surgery on my spine, as My discs were very badly degenerated. I was shocked. I was young! He simply left the room, leaving me no time to ask questions. I was sent home with a note to take ibuprofen every six hours. The pain was severe. I did as I was instructed. Several months later, I experienced severe stomach pain. I was referred to a Gastro guy, who stuck a camera down my throat and told me I had 5 bleeding ulcers. He sent me home with a prescription for Prilosec, which I took as indicated. I broke out with a severe rash. My bridge troll doc, advised me to discontinue the Prilosec. He could not tell me what to do next, so I fired him.  At the time, coaching a team of almost 150 swimmers with a bad back, and severe stomach pain, with two kids in tow, really weighed on me. My new doc...a "touchy feely" type woman was unable to advise me.  

I decided to retire from the swim team when I found I was pregnant with my youngest child. I missed that job. I missed my swimmers. I missed their wonderful, supportive parents. I simply could not handle the workload, the pain, and a tiny infant, with two other kids. The parents threw me a wonderful baby shower. Despite everything, those were the happiest years of my life.

After I retired, I went back to my roots, started taking riding lessons again, and eventually bought my own horse. I found that riding greatly helped my back pain. My youngest daughter, also took up my passion. It was a lovely life.

Several years later, I injured my wrist severely enough to sever the Median nerve. It took surgery to repair it. A year or two later, I developed a painful neuroma in my wrist. The Hand Surgeon at the U of M suggested a vein wrap procedure. They would remove a vein from my leg, and wrap it around the nerve. I consented. The surgery went well. Later that evening, I was admitted to a room in a surgical unit. During the night, a young aide walked by me, and noticed I was breathing very shallowly. She summoned help. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped. I remember watching the whole thing overhead. There was a lot of shouting, a lot of people...my heart was shocked back to life. The morphine machine had broken, and flooded my system. The next evening, I spoke to a nurse about this, as NOTHING was ever mentioned to me about this event. I was able to identify every person who had been in the room. None of this appeared on my medical record. What did appear on my record was that I had carpal tunnel surgery, varicose vein surgery, and a nerve graft. NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED! I have never had carpal tunnel syndrome, varicose veins, or a nerve graft. The next day I rarely saw a nurse. When I did, she had an "attitude"....complaining about her job...etc. I also vomited all over myself. No one would answer the call button. My roommate tried, as well. We both tried shouting, to no avail.  Over an hour went by. Finally, my roommate called an outside operator, who phoned the nurse's desk. Eventually, a young nurse stalked in, took one look at me, and said: "Oh shit. This is all I need." The next day the Hand Surgeon walked in, angry with the nurses for not having gotten me out of bed yet. I asked him why I had all the stitches on my arm. His reply:"oh. Your veins in the arm were too small. We had to remove one from your leg." I responded:"Well. Wasn't that the plan all along?  If you had asked me, I would have told you I have very tiny veins in my arms!" Without a word, he just stalked out of the room. I never saw him again. 

Over the years I have had a number of concussions. Most involved falls from horses. Once I was charged by a horse, knocked head over heels, unconscious. The barn owners were present, as was the farrier. They all saw it and called 911. EMTs arrived and carted me off to the U of M ER. I was on a gurney in a back hallway for 24 hours!!! With a TBI! I was refused food and water during this entire period. I was told that I could have nothing by mouth until I was seen by a Doc. The next day, I was forced to get up in my backless nightgown and make a scene, in order to get treated.  Finally, a young resident came back, and asked me if I was sure I had been charged by a horse....and we're there any "witnesses". I just stared him down, and asked him if he was sure he was a physician.

In January, 2010, I fell down our staircase at home, slamming my neck into the molding at the foot of the stairs, and slamming my head into the floor. Michael called 911. I was put on a backboard with a collar, and once again carted off to the ER. While there, I had very little understanding of what was going on. No one would tell me anything. They took the collar off after the CAT scan...then another Doc came by, and yelled: "Who took this off?!!!" I received two MRIs before they could pick up the fracture. When they finally did, they couldn't find a collar small enough. (In a hospital with a huge pediatric hospital) long story short...Motts Children's Hospital was a 15 minute walk, and no one wanted to take the time, so. For 5 days, I lay in a hospital bed with a hard collar that literally covered my nose, and was too loose to stabilize anything. After 5 days I was carted off to a nursing home, where I stayed for two months!  It was while I was there, though, that I found out that my previous bridge troll doc had mis-diagnosed me with Diabetes two years previously, based on one "non-fasting" random blood test. So I poked myself in the finger for TWO years, for no reason!!!

After I returned home in March of that year, I started suffering from severe vertigo. I went to my Doc, time after time. Finally, he told me it was just "stress". He referred me to Neurology, who couldn't fit me in until the following YEAR! I fired him, and had the same experience with two other U of M docs, until a friend suggested I check out the Vestibular Clinic at the U. They did extensive hearing and vision testing, noticing nystagmus when I positioned my head in certain ways. The therapists there told me it was an inner ear problem caused by my fall....THE most common reason for Vertigo. Unbelievable. They gave me some exercises to do at home, and the problem disappeared within two weeks. 

I finally decided to find a doc who was not educated at U of M. By word of mouth, I found my current doc, but it took 9 months to get an app't. It was worth it. She is a U of M doc, but was educated at Dartmouth, and had a holistic outlook.  

In 2012, I swam in an open water race up in Harbor Springs. It was a rough swim. I missed the one mile buoy, and ended up at the 2 mile buoy....so...I had trained for a one mile swim, and ended up swimming a two mile swim. When I returned home, both of my shoulders were very sore. I assumed swimmer's shoulder, and signed up for PT at the U of M Sportsmed Clinic. My left arm healed, but my right did not.  Finally, I was referred to an Ortho Surgeon, who did a CAT scan, and diagnosed me with a major rotator cuff tear. He said it was too large for him to repair. I was told I would need to quit riding, and stop swimming....that I should just "take it easy".  I was devastated by the news. I sold Sunny. My God. I sold my best friend.  After a month in a depressive state, I decided to take some action. I found the top ten shoulder surgeons in the country. Dr. Reuben Gobezie, Chief of surgery at the Cleveland Shoulder Institute performed surgery on massive rotator cuff tears routinely. Michael and I drove down to Cleveland, thinking I would be making an appointment for surgery. When Dr. Gobezie walked in the room, I was shocked at what he said next. He plopped down on the examining table, putting his feet up and said: "Julie. You do not have a major rotator cuff tear. Two of my colleagues, two of my Radiologists, and I both looked at your films.  You have a very small tear, which would be consistent with most women at about age 40, but physiologically, you are much younger. This tear is too tiny to even consider surgery."  He then did a very thorough examination of my shoulder. He said: "Julie, you have classic frozen shoulder. That is what is causing the pain." I told him of my desire to swim the Mack Straits. I asked..."How do I fix this?" He said simply: "SWIM!"  I wanted to jump up and kiss the guy!  I was elated!  I should note, that after I returned home, I called the U of M Ortho Surgeon's office, and reported the mis-diagnosis. They asked if I wanted to speak with him. I declined. Later in the week, however, he phoned me at 11:30PM and told me that "he stood by his diagnosis." Unbelievable. I told him that the time of the call, and the message were both extremely inappropriate, and hung up the phone. Because of that doc, I sold my beloved Sunny. I Can't get her back. But I can SWIM!

Sadly, it doesn't end there. I slipped and fell on some ice while walking Bree one evening. I lost consciousness, so Michael drove me to Chelsea's brand new renovated ER. Someone ordered a CAT scan. Two hours later, a young kid...a PA...walked in and suggested a CAT scan. When I told him that one had been done over two hours ago, he seemed dazed and confused...stating that: "Well. I guess I should go read it." He came back later, reporting that I had a concussion and a sprained neck. I asked to see a real doc, and was told he was "busy." There were NO other patients in the ER.  I fell again 3 weeks later, and received yet another concussion, and a worsening of my neck problem. I spent 3 months in rehab for that, and it is still causing me problems.

But. You know what? I am training hard, and I WILL be the oldest person to swim the Mackinac Straits next summer, because I do not give up.

 

Michigan Winter

I love Michigan in the winter. Yes. I am one of those people. Here's why:

1. No need for coffee in the morning. Just take the dog out. Your morning fog will lift immediately.

2. Bree, the Mal, and I can take nice looong walks in the cold, whereas, in the summer, due to her heavy coat, they must be brief and frequent. 

3. Snow. I love snow. It's beautiful to watch, and gives off ambient light...making the gray days of winter seem brighter. 

4. Snowmen and snow angels. You can't make those in Arizona.

5. Snuggling with a Malamute and reading a good book while there is a complete whiteout, is absolutely wonderful. 

6. Shoveling snow is great exercise.

7. The snow muffles sounds.

8. There is nothing better than a good swim indoors at my club, which has enormous floor to roof windows. 

9. Michigan has far fewer insect problems in the summer after a really cold winter. *exception for the U.P. Which has all of those nasty black flies and gnats.*

10. The grass doesn't need to be mowed.

First Poem

I found this in the box of things left for me by my Mother, soon after she died last winter. My first poem, I believe...

Song of a Bird

A happy little bird

Is sitting in a tree.

And now it seems she sings

Her song just all for me.

'Twas God who put the songs

Into the birdie's throat.

And now the bird can give

The world each lovely note.

jag

age 7

Humility

I didn't sleep last night, as is often the case with me. I thought that my late evening swim would quiet my mind. That didn't happen. Instead, I sat in the sunroom with Bree at my feet, reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" again. I've read this book so many times, but each time I read it, I am touched in a different way. I finished the book as the sun rose. Bree woke up, to look out the window, as she always does.  Now. There's nothing at all profound about this post. Not really. It's everyday life. The little stuff. 

I was finally able to sleep a bit later in the morning, when Bree woke me up for lunch, with a sharp punch in the ribs with her nose.  We went about our daily routine. Eating...putzing about. Our walk was not going to happen, as there was a lot of rain, with thunder. It also meant there would be no swim for me, as well. Management at our club clears out the pool if there is lightning. The pool is only 2 years old, and well grounded...But. Nevertheless. That is their policy. It made me feel at loose ends all day. Swimming has always been such a huge part of my life. I felt sorry for myself.

In the afternoon, I noticed the young boy in my neighborhood walking home with no rain coat. No umbrella...looking soaked and miserable. The same boy I bought a winter coat for last winter. I felt a little lurch of sadness.  Had I really made a difference in this young man's life. No. He still goes home to an empty house, tired and cold. 

I have always wanted to save the world. Somehow. In my youth, I refused to believe that it could not be done. I never gave up hope. I know now, that it will take all people with good hearts to make the world a better place. It is humbling. I feel so small and incapable sometimes. 

So. I swim. I swim for me, and now I strive for meaning in the water. That is why I decided to take on the greatest challenge I have ever faced: The Mackinac Straits. The Mighty Mack. My hope was to help raise money for hungry people in Detroit. So. I train. I talk to people about my quest, and beg for their help. Just a dollar.  Just a dollar.  Just a Face Book share. Just a retweet. And I am coming up short. I am only one small person with a dream. Is it all worth it? I don't know the answer to that question. I know Gleaners is there to help me spread the word. But. Essentially, I am alone in this endeavor.

I am not a wealthy person. I am not a superstar. I have what I need. That is enough. But, I am still haunted by the faces I see in the daily paper of the hungry people in Detroit. The same people who have had their water supply cut off by a ruthless City manager, appointed by our millionaire governor. I am humbled by their strength. 

These people are invisible to most. So, I am asking. Help them. One dollar. One dollar. 

http://www.gcfb.org/MackStraits

Life is Hard

There is no doubt that we all experience pain. We all know fear. We have lost loved ones. And we mourn. Most of us work very hard to make ends meet in a country that has changed from a Democracy to an Oligarchy. The rich get rich. The poor remain poor. And the middle class? Well. What middle class?

I am not complaining. I am lucky enough to have what I need. All I need is enough.  I celebrate my family every day. I have a wonderful, loving husband, three amazing children, who are always in my thoughts. 

It's important to live every day as if it will be your last. Take risks. Be spontaneous. Have fun. 

We talk a lot about saving the planet, about the short-comings of our politicians.  But now. It is time to get serious. 

Check on the elders in your neighborhoods. Show a smile to everyone you meet. Be kind. Do the right thing. Sitting in a building every Sunday worshipping a deity may make you feel better, but few people put their faith into action. We have become a "ME" society.

There are desperately poor people in this country...the richest nation on the planet. It is not their fault. We need to recognize that fact. In order to effect change in this country it will take all of us. All of us.  Charity toward others seems to lost on many people. 

I know this is a rambling, disorganized post. But. That's just how I fly. We all need to step out of our own comfortable boxes and take a look around. What you find in many places may not be pretty.  What do we do? Give a dollar to the homeless man on the corner. Don't assume he is a drunk, or a drug addict. 

Food is the most basic human need.  I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to make a small contribution. I will be swimming the Mackinac Straits next summer to raise money for Gleaners Community Food Bank in Detroit. Yes. It's something I have always wanted to do. But spending at least five hours in the water every day is really not fun. I am not a wealthy person, but my life is rich. Please go to my donor page and donate. Every penny counts. If you're wealthy. If you have more than you need, please be generous.

www.gcfb.org/MackStraits. Let's feed some people!

Gleaners Community Food Bank

This is going to be a short note, because I am tired.  I swam 9000 meters today.  What I would like to talk about is my fundraising swim for Gleaners Community Food Bank.  No.  There is no ice bucket challenge.  I'll be the only one taking on that challenge.  The Mackinac Straits, in Michigan, is one ginormous ice bucket.  So no one needs to get wet.  I'll do that.  Please do me the favor of sharing my link with everyone you know.  Donating is a good thing.  If you can only afford a dollar, that's fine.  Every little bit helps.  Gleaners is an amazing organization that feeds thousands of hungry people every day. So. Donate if you can, tell your friends, or share on social media.  Let's feed some people!

http://www.gcfb.org/MackStraits

Mackinac Straits Training Swim and the Soo

We got to our crappy hotel fairly late last night, and immediately hit the rack...and it was really a RACK. Sleeping on cement would have been more comfortable. We slept in...then went to take my Homeland Security paperwork directly to the Coast Guard in the Soo, since the base was only a few minutes away. Goofy conversation at the gate...Guard: "Please state your business." Me: "Um. I'm here to turn in my HS paperwork for a Straits Swim." Guard: "What?" *I repeat myself.* Guard: "You're at the wrong base. You need to hand that in to the base near Lake Michigan." Me: "No. I'm at the right base. Does Chief petty Officer Gambino work here?" Guard: "Yes, Ma'am, but he is not in today." Me: "That's okay, I just need someone to see that he gets my paperwork." Guard: *with blank look on his face* "One moment, Ma'am. *Guard goes into booth and makes extended phone call* Guard: "You'll have to speak with the Officer of the day." Me: "Okay." Five minutes later, two big burly officers come out to the car. Naturally, they walk over to talk to Michael. Officer: "What is it that you need, Sir?" Michael: "You need to talk to my wife. Me: "Sir, could you please see that Chief Petty Officer Gambino receives this paperwork? Officer: "Yes, Ma'am." Me: "Thank you, Sir."  Geez. All this Ma'aming and Siring. So. OK!  Really glad to finally get that paperwork out of my hands! So. We stopped in to a little restaurant for brunch. Ugh. Worst food ever. I mean. How do you screw up French toast and bacon? The Soo turns out to be kind of a desolate place. There's the famous Locks...which we'll get out to see tomorrow. Drive back to St. Ignace to meet the photographer...very nice woman! Michael goes in the storeroom to help me stuff myself into the gloves, socks, and wetsuit...which was actually easier this time, since I seem to be shrinking in girth, which, given the cold water, is not a good thing. So. We head out to the public beach, where Tanya will be taking my photos. I splash some water on my face. WOW! I am now awake! After I wade out to deeper water, I dive in, and, WHOA! The water was so cold, it literally took my breath away! *I now begin to realize the insanity of this whole thing.* I swim about a mile down the shore, to warm up. The wetsuit is filling with water. I finally get in my zone, turn around, and swim back to the beach. The water was crystal clear, amazingly beautiful to watch...I swam over a lot of salmon, and pretty little fishes, and little crab like things, and clams...but, at the same time, it was disturbing to see all of the cans, plastic bags, and other types of trash on the bottom of this pristine lake. I swam by Tanya, she took her photos, and I clambered out of the water, dizzy, because I had forgotten my ear plugs. Fun fact: When very cold water hits your eardrums you get instant vertigo. I stumbled up to the beach, where Tanya took some land shots. WHEW! I strip off the wetsuit on the beach, and decide to go back out once more, in my swimsuit only, and dive for trash. Brought in quite a haul. Pull on my sweats, and we head out for dinner. Amazing broiled lake trout, with all the fixin's'. Absolutely the best. Now I'm starting to really feel the cold. Could not stop shaking. But we absolutely HAD to stop at a fudge shop! Went to a little tourist store and bought another sweatshirt to layer over the one I already had on.  Drove back to our cheapass hotel in the Soo. We have had a day! Kicking back now, watching a Tigers game on a prehistoric TV. All is right with the world. 

Tomorrow: The loong training swim

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

If you make eye contact with a stranger and smile, they will almost always smile back.

Some people don't make eye contact.

A LOT of people are on their phones.


Walking a good dog is one of life's greatest pleasures. (especially if it is an Alaskan Malamute.)

Some people don't have their dogs on lead, which could cause a very bad outcome.

Picking up dog poop, and carrying it around with you sucks.


The internet is a great thing.

The web can also cause you to lose muscle mass.

Internet providers are the Borg of the 21st century.


Old houses *really old houses* are beautiful, because they have history, character, and are built to last.

Century old houses make odd noises for no reason.

There is always something that needs to be repaired, or improved upon. And it always costs a minimum of $1000.00.


Growing your own organic vegetables using heirloom seeds is a beautiful, healthy, and therapeutic thing.

Preserving them, by canning, is kind of a drag.

Weeding the garden blows big time.


Having a dog in your life is THE most wonderful, therapeutic, and happy thing.

When you have a dog, you quickly find out that you do not own the dog. The dog owns you.

Malamute fur is everywhere.


It's great to have a car to get from point A to Point B.  That's all I require.

Cars are expensive to maintain.

Then there's that pollution thing, unless you are wealthy enough to own an electric car.


Physical therapy for a sports injury is necessary.

It also takes up a lot of time.

There is a reason why patients refer to Physical Therapists as Physical Terrorists.


I am now on my way to PT.

Goodbye.

Anxiety and Water

People who know me well, are aware that I am a very anxious introvert.  That comes from the way I was raised, I suppose.  Anxiety for no real reason.  It is just there.  Most people experience anxiety about their appearance, public speaking, or impending danger, or the unknown.  That's just not me, though.  I actually feel quite comfortable with all of those things.  My anxiety is self-generated.

But.  I found the cure many years ago. Water.  Swimming.  I feel powerful, graceful, and secure in the water. I feel absolutely safe.  That is why the idea of swimming the Mackinac Straits does not make me feel anxious in any way.  I've been warned.  I have been told about the dangers...the currents...the shipping lane, and the unpredictability of those waters.  When I told my Mother I was going to do this before she died, she laughed and said: "I believe you will, Julie."

Other types of exercise don't bring the same feelings of peace, and power.  Not to me.  I tried long-distance running.  I sucked at that.  Riding my horse was a wonderful thing...a bonding experience....and the feeling of a very deep connection with another being.  But it is not the same.

On off days, or lifting days, I have difficulty concentrating...or even being around people.
i withdraw a lot.

Swimming.  There is no better drug.  No greater joy.

At least not for me.

Water

Sometimes I fail to remember just how amazingly lucky I am. A nice roof over my head, a big yard for Bree, and the love of my life.  It's been 43 years now!  It seems like I should feel old, or something...but I don't.  I am happy.  I have enough. *Really more than enough*  I am enjoying a sweet life, in a lovely little town, where all the troubles of the world seem very far away.

I had to work out in the evening today, as it's learn to swim week at my gym.  But.  I did usually have the pool to myself.  People came and went.  I slogged out about 3000 meters today.  I felt strangely strong, despite the neck pain, and the GOGGLE headache!  Yup.  I bought another new pair of goggles.  These were supposed to be the comfortable kind...but they were killing my nose.  I worked on some 50 meter sprints, and did a lot better than I expected.  10X50s on the top...averaging 38 today.  I even managed to crank out a 32...which is quick for me.  Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a trainer to work with me on lifting.  So. Yeah.  Water.

When I think about water, and how easy it is for people like me to come by,  I feel a big twinge of guilt. Thousands of Detroiters...everyone who is $150.00 or more late on their water bills, have had their water shut off. And water bills in Detroit are higher than the median water bills of the rest of the country. If something doesn't change soon, the water cutoffs could reach 340,000 people. That is HALF the city.  Imagine being poor, with children, and having no water in the summer.  This is not affecting corporations, however...some of whom owe thousands.  Their water stays on.  Imagine the elderly on very low fixed incomes.  The injustice of all of this is mind-boggling.

So. The United Nations is coming to the aid of Detroiters, on a humanitarian mission.  The United Nations, coming to the aid of the wealthiest nation in the world, because no one in this country really cares.  I'm sure Rick Snyder has all the water he needs.  I'm sure the city managers that he appointed have plenty of water.

And the national media is not talking about this.

Water.

Polar Vortex

After last winter,  I never wanted to hear the words vortex and polar used EVER again. Last winter, the state of Michigan turned into Whine Central. Yup. It was much colder,  and we had a lot of snow. Whatever. My Malamute, Bree and I actually enjoyed the weather.

Now I'm hearing from the weather "guessers" that the P.V. is coming back. This week.  And the whining has already begun. We are supposed to get a lot of rain. (Rain is good.)  It is also supposed to bring cool temperatures. THAT is a great thing! Cool weather in July. I love it. Bree will be happier. Our air conditioner might not be needed. Lower energy bills!!!  And on cool,  rainy days, people don't use the pool at my gym as much. That's great for me! I love having the pool to myself!

So. I'm looking forward to this weather "phenomenon". 

So,  Michiganders! Sit back and enjoy. It's going to be a great week!

Revision

Well. After a long discussion with Jeni,  I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to swim the Straits with me. Her parents were very unhappy with the idea.  Her Dad sent some interesting, but complicated facts about the currents on the Straits,  along with a very scary photo of the waters on a very windy day. I really don't want to get involved in anyone else's family drama. I also did not want to lose my friendship with her family. It just became too much. Personally, I think she was relieved. Some members of my family and a few friends will be there and I didn't want them to be exposed to any needless worry or negative vibes. So. It's just me,  folks.  It will actually make things a little simpler, although planning this swim is more complicated than I thought. I have questions for the Coast Guard, but have been unable to reach them.  *Probably because they're out saving lives, or some other sort of nonsense.* (It's a JOKE!) I'll just be glad when I get this paperwork out of my hands.

Anyway, It's all good!

Red Tape

I have been working on the Homeland Security paperwork for the Coast Guard.  Yep.  To swim the Mack Straits there's paperwork. And it's complicated!  They want a map of our route.  Okay. Um. So we'll be starting out near St. Ignace in the U.P. and ending up somewhere around Mackinac City in the L.P.  I can definitely pick a Point A...but since we'll be following the currents, and surely not in a straight line, I am not quite sure where we'll end up.  After doing a fair amount of research, I'm reading that after we finish this cold, exhausting...yet amazing swim, we may have to clamber up some rocks when we get to the other side. Sounds great. Not.  I don't like clambering.  I'm hoping to end up on a beach.  With sand. I'm looking at the Lighthouse area in Mackinac City.  Perhaps.      

Some great news!  Jeni Huffman, one of my former swimmers at the Ann Arbor Y, and now all around good friend will be taking on this little adventure with us.  Jeni is a very talented swimmer.  The current record for this swim is 2:40.  I think Jeni can set a new one.  I think she can do it in 2:30.  However, that's pretty much up to the water conditions of the day.  She is looking for two kayakers currently.  We are also looking for a very good boats man with a power boat...preferably with sails, who can be there in case we run into some trouble and need to get out in a hurry. Hypothermia is our biggest threat.  Then there's the shipping lane.  BUT.  I'm not going to dwell on that stuff.  After all, who gets to watch the sunrise over the Straits while in the water?!

My son, Nick, who is a very talented professional Interactive Motion Designer in Portland, Oregon, will be designing a logo for us.  He's extremely busy right now, so it will be a while before he can get to it.  But I know he'll come up with something awesome.  Gleaners wants me to have a photograph taken while I'm swimming for their newsletter.  Well.  I was, at one time, a professional photographer, and I have a great pro camera...but no one to snap the shot.  Gleaners has offered to help me find someone.

I had the facet injections in my neck two days ago, and it has actually made the pain worse...although, I'm told that's only temporary.  So tomorrow my day is looking like this:  Haul my sorry ass out of bed, pull on my suit, and a pair of shorts, feed and water my Malamute, Bree.  Take her for a short walk.  Back home. Grab my swim bag, and head over to the pool, where I will be spending about three hours working out. Then back home. Feed Bree.  Take her for a long walk.  Eat dinner.  To bed. (where I'll toss and turn all night due to chronic insomnia)  Next day. Rinse and repeat.  But I ALWAYS take Sundays off.

And you know what?  It's a great life!

                                                                                        

In search of...

Goggles that don't leak, fog up, give you raccoon eyes, and a headache

A perfectly fitting competitive swimsuit that lasts more than a month

Reasonable Republicans  (I know. Republicans and reason=oxymoron)

An automatic dog shedder, or a live in groomer

I'll need a housekeeper to clean up after the groomer

An invisible barrier that cannot be crossed by Steve (the groundhog), skunks, or any other varmint after my vegetables

Siblings  (Nope. Never mind. That's clearly impossible.)

A big, fluffy puppy

All of my kids and their families in one place at the same time

Airliners that don't suck

Self-cleaning kitchens and bathrooms

Flip flops that last more than half a summer

Jeans that really fit well, and don't fall down when I stand up

More t-shirts  Yup.  I actually need more t-shirts.

A really good 1 hour massage

An instructor to teach me how to kayak...Of course, I will first need a kayak.

Another sport to take up...Oh, yeah.  That would be kayaking!

A Roomba that doesn't cost as much as my truck

The perfect electric car

People who respect others, as much as themselves

Good Stuff

 Michael

 Bree

The way I feel after a good workout at the pool

Thunderstorms

Chocolate

Fluffy puppies

Shoes. The funkier the better

Wearing red

Quiet afternoons with a book

Walter

Water

All dogs

Lake Michigan

Sunset over Lake Michigan

Sunrise in my backyard

People with kind eyes

Staying in bed for 20 minutes right after I wake up

Dexter

Bree

Organic veggies and fruits

People who smile back when I smile at them

Anyone who laughs at my jokes

People who allow me to freely swear

My house

Long meandering walks with Bree

That moment just before I fall asleep at night

Quiet people

People who understand that everything is not funny

Athletes

Bookworms

Smart people. I mean intelligent people

Those who take the time to get to know others

Selfless acts by random strangers

Bree

Compassion

Fresh grown produce from my garden

People who can laugh with me, and who make me laugh

Popsicles in the summer

Mint chocolate chip ice cream

Giving love and support to another when they need it.

Kayakers

The Mackinac Straits

Most importantly, my family...Michael, Shauna, Nick and Kathleen

My mother

Stuff I think about at 5AM

Too many cables, cords,  rechargers for phones, computers,  camera,  iPod, Kindle, and yep.  My power tools.

Plastic packaging is driving me insane. It encases EVERYTHING! Food in hard plastic lock boxes, that no reasonable human being can readily access. All electronics locked in impossible plastic casing that requires hedge clippers to remove. The inimitable plastic that must be peeled from CDs with your fingernails.

Ants.

Sunburn

After a lifetime of swimming, I have yet to find the perfect goggles.

Competition swimsuits that are impossible to squeeze into.  I now have nine suits. Only two pairs of jeans that fit without falling down, drawers full of tees,  and only one socially acceptable dress.

I haven't worn heels since high school proms.

Shaving. I hate it. Women have hair on their legs, and under our armpits. Why did it become socially unacceptable to appear with a normal, hairy body?

Rob Ford. (always comes to mind at 5AM)

Republicans are profoundly uninformed.

All Canadians are nice people.

Mississippi. (I just like typing that) Don't like the state.

People are always telling me that I look young "for my age". As if that's a compliment. I don't know. Perhaps it is.

Older men who wear those baggy Abercrombie and Fitch shorts look really silly.

And finally. Why can I never get to sleep when I know I have to get up especially early?

Monday, Monday

Time for a rant. STEEL THYSELVES! Woke up with a headache. Again. Pulled on my suit, grabbed something to eat, and headed to the pool. *Note I was not motivated* Swam 1000 meter warm-up LSD. Daydreaming about being anywhere else but this pool with goofy lady in the next lane, who didn't want to get her hair wet, and glared at me, every time I passed her. Did 10X200 intervals on 5 minutes. Decided to do some sprint work. Did 20X50s on the top. I was averaging 40 second per 50. AARRGGHH Did you hear that, Jennifer Huffman?! I know my arms were moving, but I wasn't going anywhere!!! Finished it off with 500 meter cool down. Got out. Slipped in the shower...got locked out of my locker...mistakenly used hair spray for deodorant. *Oh shut UP!* Now my shoulder hurts. I think this is one of my better whiny rants, don't you? Now if we could just eliminate all %#@#% Mondays from this calendar, I would have an awesome workout every day. Rant over.

The Straits

So.  Life is becoming more interesting now.  I was contacted by a company who sells the same sports drink that Diana Nyad drank during her swim from Cuba to Florida.  She would like me to "endorse" it for my swim. Okaaay.  A weight trainer and sports nutritionist also called me, and offered to help me free of charge. I guess that means there's no backing out NOW! As far as the Coast Guard is concerned, I just need to get them a map of my route...which is going to be kind of hard, because I'll be following the current.  One of my kayakers said he has marine maps of the area...He's in Florida now, I think.  But. Obviously, I've got plenty of time.   Now there will be no more excuses. I've gotta be in that water every day!  No more excuses!                                                                           Didn't have a chance to get in the water at ALL today, as I had to take Bree in to the Vet for her Lyme shot. I stopped off to visit some old horse friends.  They have a horse who needs to be ridden...Iriquois...He's a trotter.  I love that horse.  Very sweet natured and kind.  Still having head and neck pain, which I am just going to have to ignore.  The docs want to give me an injection for the pain...corticosteroids..but I don't think I'm going to let them do that.  The last time I had one of those shots, I felt jittery for weeks. Awful feeling.
Tomorrow. 2PM. Lane 3 is where I'll be.

e-mail

Why isn't there an app for deleting most of the thousands of emails I get on a daily basis? I mean.  Keeping the ones that are from actual people...especially people I actually know...or WANT to know.  Also, I'll want to keep anything that is more than mildly entertaining, and/or informative.  I'll need to keep Facebook updates, of course.  WHAT is all the REST of this shit?!

Reflections at 5AM

I am drawn to quiet,  emotional people.

My children are my greatest joy,  and my greatest sorrow...because they are so far away. My love for them has no boundaries. It is unconditional.

Opera makes me weep.

My greatest inspiration is a very dear friend who is dying with ovarian cancer. Her strength knows no bounds. I am humbled by her spirit. She experiences more joy in every moment than anyone I have ever known.

The only place I feel truly alive and free is in the water. It is my safety net,  and my peace. I now no longer feel the need to count laps,  or to compete. I swim for hours now, alone in the silence of the water...weightless and free of worries and pain.

Every day when I walk Bree,  the Alaskan Malamute who owns me, I find myself grinning for no reason. She and I take great pleasure in the reactions of people of all ages to her gentle presence. She adores people, and everyone she meets is drawn to her.  She is my best friend and soul mate. And yes. We have conversations.

Everyone loves my paintings and drawings...except me. I can never seem to please myself. But nothing gives me greater pleasure than the smell of turpentine and oil paint.  Sitting alone in a room, sketching my surroundings is my simplest pleasure. Note that I always include my foot in my sketches...one of my many quirks.

People who don't know me well regard me as eccentric. That makes me smile, because they are right.

Injustice in any form disturbs me profoundly.  Whether it is racism,  poverty, or attitudes toward the LGBTQ community. I always feel like I need to act in some way, so I do what I can. I speak up. It's not much,  but bigotry and injustices to those of us who are "different" saddens me. It physically hurts.

It is critically important to me to take risks. It makes me feel alive. And I live moment to moment...I don't want to grow old regretting what I didn't do out of fear. That is one reason I am drawn to open water swimming. The risks are there, but the thrill of getting from point A to point B under my own power in risky waters is beyond description. My Mack Straits swim is one good example. Quite frankly, I am afraid...not of the water,  the cold, the distance, or the shipping lane. My fear is of not finishing. So I work toward this adventure. If I  am successful, make it from the UP to the LP and manage to raise a lot of money for Gleaners Community Food Bank in Detroit, I will be over-joyed, but ready to move on to the next chapter,  the Alcatraz swim. I am not super human. I recognize my limitations. But I WILL  continue to test myself within the limits of my age and the time I have left on the planet.

Now. Once again I find myself rambling.

Perhaps I should sleep.

Mack Straits Swim is a GO!

I finally found my kayakers! One is a rock star paddler, who also teaches sea kayaking, and has made this crossing before. He has his own marine radio, and knows how to use it, AND  He's a firefighter and EMT. He will be bringing along another paddler friend,  who will come in handy in case I need a tow. People are also putting out the message that I would like to have a power sailboat along for the ride.  This is going to be the adventure of a lifetime! We will be raising money for Gleaners Community Food Bank in Detroit, so I am looking for fundraisers. This swim should grab some attention, as I will be 64 when I swim it. The more publicity, the more money we raise for this very worthwhile charity. Now I  can concentrate on training, and purchase a wetsuit. I plan to make a trip or two  out to the lake,  to train with the wetsuit. So the fun begins!

Pain and Frustration

Concussion #1 with a sprained neck in March was lovely. Concussion #2 in April was wonderful, as well. So. I've been living with severe pain ever since. The amazingly stupid UofM ER performed exactly as expected. Extremely long wait time, and no pain relief. Instead, I am told to make an appointment at the Concussion Clinic (which the brilliant ER attending knew absolutely nothing about) I was given no pain relief, once again.  I call to make an appointment with this "clinic", and all the resident does is a basic neuro exam. I was told to take 4 GRAMS of Tylenol when I got home...which,  of course I didn't do because 4 GRAMS of Tylenol, is a hell of a lot! I was referred to the Spine Clinic to get an injection in my neck,  but they can't fit me in until mid-July! Then I am expected to get PT.  (Goddess knows how long it will take to get seen there) Meanwhile, the intense 24/7 headaches and neck pain is not getting better. In fact, it is getting worse. So what I have decided to do is skip the injections, and the PT and get back in the water. I refuse to spend my entire summer fooling around with UofM Health Systems. Screw that! I fucking hate doctors! I think my plan is healthier...and I have some open water races for which I must train,  coming up, and I need to spend a few days in Lake Michigan, with my wetsuit, or next summer's Mack Straits swim will find me without enough experience swimming in a wetsuit, swim socks, and swim gloves.

In the Moment

It's time we all stopped wringing our hands about the sins of our ancestors, and the wrongs of which we, ourselves are guilty of in the past. It's time to stop worrying about the future that will be in store for our children and our grandchildren, and the mistakes they will inevitably make. We can change the world for the better, by making this moment. Every moment...count. We can fix this world by remembering that every moment of every day counts. Not tomorrow. Not next week, but right now.

The Mack Straits

Well.  I'm temporarily out of the water due to the concussion I suffered in March, and the concussion and neck sprain I experienced in April. But. I will be swimming on Monday, no matter what. Things are almost finalized with the Coast Guard. I just need to send in the permit app. I have some leads on kayakers, and a guy with a motorized sailboat. I'm told he was on the Nyad team.  Obviously experienced!  I've chosen my charity. It's a very deserving one, where all of the money raised goes to the people who need it, and not to Administrative staff. Later this summer I'm going to be spending some time on Lake Michigan training. I also found a personal trainer and sports nutritionist to help me out. I may do the Coastal Crawl again, but I'm not sure what distance, or even if I want to compete again. If I swim the 2 mile or the 3 mile, I'll probably just win by default, and that's not fun.

I'll be going up north fairly soon to check out the starting point and the end point. Most people swim from North to South...probably due to the currents. I'll also be talking to some fishermen about the currents and the Coast Guard about the shipping traffic. Fundraising is going to be a challenge, but I have already enlisted some volunteers. So. Now, It's just a matter of training in the water, and weight training.  Lot of work to do in that department. But. When it comes down to it, training is the best part. I love the quiet, the smells. It's a Zen thing really. There is no better sport.

Happiness

Michigan

I live in Michigan. *not in the U.P. There are important differences*

My home is in a small village on the outskirts of Ann Arbor. You know about Ann Arbor. Right? Home to the University of Michigan...where football is a religion. However, A2 has a lot to offer...especially for  someone like me. Diverse population. Lots of cultural activities, and it's filled with Liberals, which is how I fly. We're also about 50 miles outside of Detroit...home of Tiger baseball, and Pistons basketball. *We won't talk about Lions football, because: A. They suck, and B. Football is a stupid sport...almost as stupid as golf.*

Michiganders love to complain. (It's because they've never lived in Indiana.)

I don't complain, because it is a waste of energy, and completely useless. The following is a list of things that Michiganders complain about.

Snow. I don't get that, because I find snow to be a wonderful thing. This year we were slammed with an all-time record amount of snow. Yeah. You have to shovel. Big deal.  It's great exercise. And what difference does it make if you have a foot of snow, or four feet of it?  It's beautiful to look at, it gives off an ambient light, which is great on gray days. The important thing to do is to get outside and relearn to play. Take nice long walks. People are really good about keeping their sidewalks clear. I am owned by an Alaskan Malamute, Bree,  who will not allow me to skip her daily walks.  So. Snow. It's all good.

Cold weather. It happens every winter. I happen to love the cold. Although, it is a challenge to take Bree out for her morning and late afternoon walks when it is -20F. But. It's all in how you approach it. Necessary layering,  down coat, preferably with a deep hood, and gloves with one of those little packets of heat tucked inside. Scarves and snow boots, and you're good to go!  I fail to see the problem.

Potholes. I don't like them.  Nobody does. But they are there, and generally get filled before U of My football season starts.

Rain. I NEVER complain about rain! It's as important as snow in avoiding droughts in Michigan. Droughts are bad.  Snow and rain are good.

Traffic. Always a pleasure. I just avoid driving whenever possible.  And I never drive into A2 on a game day.

Moving on here, to summer heat. I admit to having difficulty with heat. But. There it is...every year. But, as in winter, you need to reclaim your playful side. Bree and I take very long walks in the summer heat every day. *But I also swim 3 metric miles a day.*  And those awesome Michigan sunsets! And there are literally hundreds of lakes everywhere, including the BIG ONES.  Most beautiful beaches in the country. Great for open water swimming. No sharks. No jellyfish.

Art Fair. Every year A2 hosts artists from around the country. Yup. Streets are clogged, and it always falls on the hottest week of the year...the last week of July. Local merchants make a lot of money. Artists make money. It's a people watching paradise. I've been there. Many times. Now I stay home. But I don't complain. Art Fair is special for a lot of people.

Parking. Yup. Parking in A2 is a nightmare. There is no doubt about that. But complaining about it continually is so common, that I consider it to be a sport. Who can come up with the most nightmarish parking story? But. When new parking structures are built, well.  There is just no end to the whining. You just have to accept the fact that there is no place to park in Ann Arbor, and get on with your life.

Pure Michigan. An amazingly beautiful, and wonderful place to live. Love it!

Simple pleasures

Lovely Michigan day today.  Sixtyish.  Plenty of sunshine early on...the tulips and daffodils blooming.  Bree and I had a nice long meandering walk, ending up halfway to Hudson Mills on the new trail. Now it is raining softly. The air smells sweet and earthy.  Bree is sleeping at my feet, sweetly snoring.  My plan for the rest of the evening is a good book and warm, organic applesauce.  Simple day. Simple things.  Life has meaning in these small pleasures.

6AM

Thoughts for the day:

Why am I still awake at this hour?

iPods are the best thing ever!

My smart phone is really stupid.

Quiet people interest me.

Why do some people carry around so much hate, and others carry around so much love it's contagious?

I broke ground for my new vegetable garden this weekend.

My flowers will probably suffer as a result.

Every morning Bree grabs coasters from my dining room, and places one in each room.  She also removes toilet paper cardboard from the wastebaskets in the bathrooms,  probably because she wants me to put them in the recycling bin.

Laughter cures everything.

I excel at swearing...one of my many faults.

The last time I wore heels was at my highschool proms.

I'm insulted by men who  refer to women as "girls".

Who says Facebook friendships are not real?!

I know it will rain all week, because I need to roto-till my garden NOW!

I have a stomach bug, and a sore neck and severe headaches 24/7. That sucks.

I can't stand Lady Gaga. She's such a poser.

Does anyone still write in cursive?

I can't remember the last time I mailed a letter.

What is wrong with GenXers and millenials, in that they are so apathetic and/or cynical.

It is now time for 20-40 somethings to take their turn to fuck up the country.

Rob Ford.

Racism is still a huge problem in this country.

We've had two stupid wars that Republicans started, and they want boots on the ground in Syria.

Israel needs to turn over Gaza and the West Bank to the Palestinians.

I have a hard time writing anything in over 140 characters.

Swimming is a Zen thing, unless the "water walkers" are there.

The world is not about only you... or me.

Debating religion with Fundamentalists is a profound waste of time.

For God's sake, teach your kids to swim!

Have you ever heard of fecal transplantation?

Why are billions being spent on treating cancer, and less attention paid to researching a cure. *We all know the answer to that question.*

People who deny that they are not racists over and over again, are usually the worst bigots.

I have problems with commas. I somehow missed that in grade school.

Graduating from college does not mean that you are smarter than those who didn't go to college. It simply means that you are tenacious, and that you test well.

Horses and dogs are sentient beings.

Rambling on about stuff is just so much fun.

My book will be finished by the end of the summer.

Right now I have painter's block.

Drawing is one of the most healing and rewarding thing to do.

I want a fainting couch.

Too much money gives you cooties.

#concussions

MY FUCKING HEAD HURTS!!!  *Sorry. Headaches make me a little cranky.*

Brain Fog Ramblings

Ever had one of those headaches?  Yeah. You know what I mean...Only this one isn't going away.  I've also got tinnitus...Sounds like rushing water...a waterfall. So bear with me here.

Concussion #1 at the end of March was a classic slip and fall on an icy sidewalk with Bree. It didn't seem too bad. At first.  The next day or so, I called Christine, my doc, who tells me I need to get checked out at the ER. I called UofM, but, as always, they were slammed.  So Michael drove me to the Chelsea ER.  We got there, and it was deserted.  Brand new remodeled ER. No patients.  Fine with me. The surly old nurse with a scraggly long beard sends me in for a CAT scan.  Back to my cubicle. Wait for two hours, and a kid...a 20-something walks in and announces that he's the PA, and thinks he should order a CAT scan. OK.  Kid's not really got game. I explain to him, patiently, that it had been done hours ago. Surprise!  Since there is no radiologist in the building, he wanders off to read it himself.  Meanwhile, it's cold, dark, and creepy. So glad Michael was there.  Eventually, he wanders back in and informs me that my scan is clear, and I can go.  He hands me a pain script.  So. I ask if there's a doctor available.  He hems and haws, and tells me the "Doctor" is busy. I say: "With what?!"  There is no doc. OKAY!  Michael went out to get the car, and I walk back through the deserted and dark ER.  The only humans present are the surly male nurse, and some other dude looking bored...both with their feet on the desk. I  ask where I go to check out.  Surly nurse says:"Talk to the girl up front."  I was already in a mood, so I say:"You mean the WOMAN up front."  He says:"Yeah. The girl." My response: "Thank you, boy." Get home and sleep for 16 hours straight.

Still with neck pain and a headache, I try to swim...but find it too painful. Only took their narcotic once.  I hate those!

April comes, and it's a beautiful, sunny day.  I grab Bree for our pre-dinner walk.  We get around the corner of the house and BOOM. Lights out, and Bree is licking my face.  Luckily, a neighbor sees me on the ground, and calls 911.  I fell into the side of the house, I think, because I have a huge lump on the side of my head, and my left arm and shoulder hurts, in addition to my hip. Crap. EMS comes out, loads me up in their truck, and we make way through Ann Arbor, hitting every fucking pothole on the road. (And there are LOTS of them this year.)  Wait on a gurney in a hallway, forever. Somebody comes by and takes my vitals. Some resident sends me back for yet another CAT scan...which takes HOURS to read, because the place is a zoo. Brand new ER here, too. Not enough nurses. Not enough real docs. Eventually, a diminutive little man, apparently the attending walks in and informs me that my CAT scan was fine. I have a concussion. Well. duh. and I could return home.  I explain to him, that I had not healed from a previous concussion, and should I be concerned about a second one so soon after the first.  He rolls his eyes, (little bastard) and tells me someone would be making an appointment at the "Concussion Clinic." I ask what that involves. He says he doesn't know.  He's never heard of it. So. Back home again.  Sleep again all night, except I come downstairs for some reason, and find myself on the floor. Again. Give Christine a call. She calls me in. I explain what's been going on, and she's pissed that neither hospital did an MRI, as, she pointed out, blood clots cannot always be seen with a CAT scan only. Great.



But Christine's worried about WHY I fell, so she ordered a halter monitor for me to wear for 24 hours...Originally, she wanted me to wear one for a month, but she also knows I'm training a lot, and need to get back in the water.  It's taped to my chest right now, and, happily, it's only as big as a cell phone...and tomorrow, at exactly 3:05 PM I can take it off.

I'm guessing she won't find anything. Soooo....I'm left with this massive headache and neck pain.  Took Bree for our long evening walk...something that I love to do...especially in the Spring.

This headache has GOT to go, though.  We'll be digging up the backyard for a veggie garden this weekend.  Not gonna be fun with vertigo, headache, and neck pain.

Is this not THE whiniest post you have ever read?  I think I should get some kind of reward for that.

Dain Bramage

Concussion #2...I KNOW!!!  Took a hard fall the other day while getting ready to walk Bree.  I think I hit my head hard on the side of the house, given that I have a huge lump on the left of my head, large bruises on my left arm and hip.  My second concussion in less than 20 days.  Not good.  Still having some vision and memory problems. Spent a CONSIDERABLE amount of time in the zoo that is the UofM ER.  Cat scans are clear, but I am being asked to go to Concussion Clinic.  I have NO idea what that's all about, but it sounds boring.

Actually, I have NO idea how many lifetime TBIs I've had, but they have been numerous.  Not good, but I'll live. Back in the water on Monday!

Questions with no answers/ a Hump Day special!

Why don't I see more children playing outdoors anymore?

Is Mark Zuckerberg an ethical man?

Is Warren Buffett a great man?

Why can't I have lunch with Toni Morrison?

Why is war a partisan issue in the United States?

Why are so many people wasting time worrying about what others think about them?

Why is there always one neighbor in every neighborhood who is an asshole?

Do you need a PhD to know that the mentally ill are not the problem?

Why do religious people believe that their faith is superior to others?

Physicians have such a sense of self-entitlement.  Why?

Are boys easier to raise than girls?  If so, do they "turn out" any better?

Where is the respect for the elders in our country?

Why do Americans consider making large sums of money a sign of a successful life?

What has happened to humility?

Why is it so hard to say you're sorry?

When will people learn to love and be loved with no conditions or reservations?

Autobiography

My book is coming along.  The last couple of chapters practically wrote themselves!  I have some more to add, but, at the moment I'm taking a break from it.  I'm going back and editing, re-editing, and editing again.  It's been a painful, yet cathartic experience.  My hope is that this book will be read by those it can help the most.  It will most likely be an e-book, and will be published under my given name, not my married name.  Originally, I was going to use a pseudonym...but, I feel I need to face my fears, and be up-front about who I am.  Hopefully, I'll have a good solid rough draft by next Fall.  We'll see.  NO SPOILERS!

Note to My Brother and Sisters

Rainy day

I happen to love rainy days.  I'm sitting on the sun porch with Bree, listening to the sound of the drops hitting the windows.  Kinda daydreaming.

Random thoughts:

Hatred will poison you.  The only cure is love.

Take risks.

Eliminate from your life negative people who bring you down.

A big, fluffy dog is a wonderful friend.

Make your own family.  These are the people in your life who love and support you, no matter what.

If you've never loved an animal, it is very sad.

Loving a horse has taught me how to better understand people.

Meditation is miraculous.

Rest will restore you.  Allow yourself some time each day to just be. (A nice glass of wine helps)

If you hate your job, and are extremely stressed about it.  Quit.

Money doesn't mean shit.  All you need is enough. (Those of you who know me will understand what I mean.)

If you're having a bad day, walk to a playground and watch the children play.

Swimming is a form of meditation.  I don't think when I swim. I drift.

Golf is a stupid sport.

Art will feed your soul.

Peace

Peace.

I love the Spring rain. I love the smell.  I am so lucky to live in a small town with no big city odor.  Crocuses are popping up, tulips are starting to emerge.  I'm sitting in my comfy new chair with Bree at my feet.  Bree and I took a nice, wet, and muddy walk today, as evidenced by her pawprints in the sun room.  I'm re-reading "Peace is Every Step" again, as well as re-reading "The Hobbit" for the umpteenth time.

Days like today are meant to be savored.  Mother Nature is giving us the day off.  In a few weeks we'll be breaking ground for my new vegetable garden.  I've already ordered some heirloom seeds...I'll need to block out an area to decide how large this garden will actually be. I cannot WAIT to get out there and start planting.

Since the boardwalk and trail from Dexter to Hudson Mills has been finished, Michael and I will be heading into Ann Arbor to pick out bikes at The Student Bike Shop soon. I'm hoping it's still there, as I haven't driven past it in a while.  The trail is about 5 miles long one way, so it will be a nice ride, and great opportunity for photographs.  Bree and I have partially walked the trail, but, I always have to keep in mind that we need to consider the walk back.  I'm so glad that, at age 9, Bree has no arthritis issues. Keeping her active is key.  I am looking for a big fluffy puppy for Bree and I to love, so I'm watching the HVHS carefully.

I have laundry, and some cleaning to do...but meh. Not today.  It'll hold.

Life is sweet.

The Aftermath

Michael and I drove down to Naptown on Friday afternoon...Five hours of the most boring landscape on the planet.  We reached our "3 Star" hotel, exhausted.  I hop into bed and notice the "comforter" had no duvet, and had. Um. Stains.  I KNOW!  So I called the front desk to ask for a clean one.  The clerk says he is the only employee on duty, and we will have to come down to the front desk and retrieve one.  So Michael, agrees to get dressed, goes down to the desk on the first floor with amazingly slow elevator.  He comes back with a nicely folded duvet.  After we unfold it, we quickly noticed that it is dripping wet.  Sigh.  So back down to the desk to try again.  Michael is told that it is "Marriott Policy" (Did I spell that right?)  to take the comforters out of the dryer while they are still wet, so that they won't wrinkle...OKAY! Even though the sheet on the bed is so wrinkled it looks as if the sheets haven't been changed in weeks. Ew again.  I wanted to take a short swim before bed...go down to the pool. and it is so small, It would take two strokes...maybe less, to swim from end to end. AND it was filled with children. Ew.  I love kids.  I do.  But when you put dozens of children in a pool, there will be pee.  Lots of pee.  So. I give up, return to our room, and try to sleep on the hardest mattress known to mankind.  I moved to the tiny little sofa (which was actually softer than the bed. Can't sleep there either. Finally, I go back to the "Queen-sized bed) Riiiight, and eventually dozed off. I am going to have fun reviewing this place!

The next day, we woke up, went out for breakfast.  Fairly decent little place.  Since our appointment with Mr. Asshole Lawyer at the family home isn't until 2 PM, we have some time to kill. We drove down to IMA (Indpls. Museum of Art) where I worked for a year or so, as Assistant Curator of the Slide Department and Events Photographer, when I was 20 something.  I showed Michael my old secret haunts on the grounds and trails of the Lilly property. It brought back some pretty nice memories, with the exception of the acrid and familiar Naptown smell.

We made it to the house 15 minutes before Mr. Asshole Lawyer.  I took some outdoor photos for my kids. What seemed like such a large property to me, as a child seemed so. Tiny.  When we are let into the house by Mr. AHL (My brother refused me unsupervised entrance, since he is an AHMD, with serious issues.)  While there, I notice the house has been absolutely looted!  Missing silver, missing china, missing rocking chair, familiar things missing throughout the house. Now. My mother specifically stated in her will that there was to be a lottery on all household items.  In order to do that, however, my two "sisters", "brother", and I have to agree to this form of disbursement.  Everyone (except me) wanted to liquidate all items in the house, some of which have been in the family for  generations.  At least.  I balk at signing off on the lottery, so Mr. AHL calls my "brother" and asks what I can take.  I asked to speak to my brother personally. He refused.  He would not even speak to me with his AHL in the room.  I was informed that I would not be allowed to leave the home with ANYTHING, unless I agreed to sign.  All of my artwork was left to me by my mother in the Codicil of the will, which means it was not a part of the estate.  The AHL REFUSED to allow me to take it, or anything else, even that which was marked with my name by my mother. Mr. AHL actually went throught EVERY piece of art I had since age 7, asking me to "describe" each piece. Finally, I just caved.  My AHMD brother "allowed" me to take two tables, a lamp, and a silver-plated candy dish. Nothing I wanted was worth much at all.  To me, it was simply tangible memories.

Flashback:  My mother was due to have surgery.  I promised her I would call and check on her progress after the procedure.  However, due to HIPAA laws, the nurses could tell me absolutely nothing.  I needed to have the "Code Word" in order for them to speak to me. Eventually, I get an emotionless call from my AHMD sister who told me my mother was "stable".  I asked her for the Code.  Her response: "NO.  I'm not going to give it to you.  I'm not going to give you what you want!" Of course the first words to come out of MY mouth was: "You BITCH!"  After that she continually sent text messages to my husband, the "rational" one.  Finally, he diplomatically told her not to contact him again.  I read all of her posts.  Unbelievable.  She claimed that several years ago, I posted something online somewhere that impugned her abilities as an MD.  Apparently, she has a spy who lives in the A2 area, who has nothing better to do than to read posts, she ASSUMES to be mine, and report back to my AHMD sister.  Fracking crazy.  I have NO idea what type of abilities, or lack thereof, that my "sister" possesses.  Even if I had posted something like that, I would certainly never use her name. That is just not something I would do.  In other words, it didn't happen.  She was merely "playing" my husband.  It didn't work.  He didn't believe her.  *Note to AHSPY out there, it won't be necessary to report this post back to my AHMD sister.  I will send her the link.*

My other sister, who is actually NOT an AH, called and tried to convince me, diplomatically, to sign off on the lottery.  After our brief conversation, the sister I once cared deeply about, and travelled halfway across the country to attend the funeral of her wonderful husband, even though, I could not afford it financially, ended our conversation with "Take Care."  I responded with "I love you."  She hung up.

I know. Stupid, unbelievable family drama, and completely unnecessary.

One thing I do know, is that people who recognize that they have a problem, and seek help, are not "crazy".  It is they who do NOT believe they have a problem, who are truly sick.

Moral of this sad, but true tale: None.

Forgive me for this rant, my friends.

.

Eulogy for my Mom

Eulogy for my Mother

My Mom was a child of The Great Depression.  It shaped her life.  Her people were potato famine Irish...drinkers and jokesters...shanty Irish. Impoverished and proud. They were strong, resilient people.  She was definitely one strong woman.

She and my father were the Mad (Wo)Men in their time...heavy smokers, and heavy drinkers.  I was the second born of four children and the oldest girl.  My Mom told me recently, before she died, that I was absolutely fearless. About everything. She found me, more than once, sitting on the roof of the house, with my feet hanging over the edge at age four. I was the kid who was the "handful".

At an early point in my childhood, my father began molesting me regularly.  It started at about age six, and ended at age thirteen.  During this time, he was a raging alcoholic, and could no longer hold down a job. The bitter battles between my Father and Mother were endless.

Eventually, my Mom went to work, teaching First graders, and became the sole support of the family.  It became my responsibility to babysit for my younger two sisters until she got home from work.  She was a bitter, difficult woman during that time. I hated her.  I simply did not have the maturity to understand the toll that this took on her physically and psychologically.  She was not there for me in a warm, motherly sense, in any way.  I was chided for every grade I received that was not an "A".  I was never good enough.  Her aspirations for me were dependent on my looks.  I was the "pretty" one.  She had dreams of me becoming an actress, a news anchor, or a model.  I did model for a while in High School and beyond, but she rarely came to my shows.  Not being a "Hands on" Mom, she did not teach me the skills I would need as I was growing up.  Instead, she sent me to lessons...on EVERYTHING!  I took swim lessons, and swam on the local team. I learned, ballet, acrobatics, and tap dancing. She sent me to cooking school, sewing lessons, riding lessons, ballroom dancing, Oil painting and drawing lessons, and, yes, even "charm" school.  I didn't appreciate her at all during this time.  She was so harsh, so mean.

After I left home for college at IU/Bloomington, I never really looked back.  I was so happy to be out of that house that I cried tears of joy that first night in my dorm room. For many years we were estranged.  We did not agree about anything...not religion, politics, or the role of women in society.  When I finally told her about the childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my own father when I was in my 30s, she denied that it even happened. (Although, on some level, I always thought she knew.) My own brother and sisters turned bitterly against me.

We reconciled about five years ago.  I had finally come to recognize, and understand her struggles, and her strength.  I know now, that she struggled to pay for all of those lessons I received as a child.  In the last few years of her life, as she slowly lost her memory to Alzheimer's Disease, I spoke with her several times a week.  We chatted about the happy times in my childhood...the summer days spent at our swim club all day, with a trip to the public library afterward.  I enjoyed these chats, and I believe she did, as well. We laughed, and rekindled our relationship.

As an adult, I now understand that I owe her.  She was responsible for my success, and continuing love of swimming, my passion for horses, and my skills as an artist.  She did that for me.  She made me the woman I am today.  She was, at heart, a good woman.

She died, suddenly, after an ill-advised heart surgery several weeks ago.  I promised beforehand that I would call her after her surgery to check on her progress.  When I tried to do so, the nurses could not release any information to me due to current HIPAA laws.  I was told I would need a passcode.  My youngest, sister, a Scottsdale area Pediatrician, who was there at the time, refused to give me that passcode.  After she had recovered sufficiently to "talk", I called her and spoke with her on several occasions.  She sounded as if she'd had a stroke.  She was barely able to mumble a few words, but she did remember me.  I am grateful for that.  The last time I spoke with her, I told her over and over again, how much I loved her.  Several hours later, my other sister, called to tell me that our Mother had passed.  She went into septic shock after a urinary tract infection, that her body could not fight.

I grieve for my Mom.  I also grieve for the fact that I was too young and stupid to recognize her for the strong, independent woman that she was.  Though our differences were great, I loved her nevertheless, and she loved me.  She was my Mom.  I will think of her every day for the rest of my life.

Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature. I love you. I really do. You provide us with the sustenance that keeps us alive, the natural beauty that surrounds us, the sun that warms the earth. I respect you for that. I do. Please note, that I can't speak for everyone on this matter...only myself. But. We have had enough arctic temperatures and snow on this planet. Please go easier on us. Don't get me wrong. I do love the snow, and the cold...to a point. But, this year you've outdone yourself. Please turn some of that snow into rain and drench the western part of this country. Their drought is horrendous. Okay. I know we haven't been behaving ourselves over the past thousand years or so, so I'm guessing this is payback for all of our polluting ways, our wanton acts of destruction on this beautiful planet, and our complete disregard for your beautiful work. I, myself, am SO sorry. I'm trying to change, and do the right thing. However, the powers-that-be, worldwide do not wish to cooperate. I write letters, call my lawmakers, sign petitions, and try to live with the smallest possible carbon footprint. But. That is hard without the help of all of the inhabitants of this country and the planet. I understand your frustration. I really don't blame you. I believe change will come. It is taking the moronic humans on this planet a long time to figure out that we've screwed up. I know this apology is lame, given the magnitude of your suffering, but please. Thirty-two degrees would be nice right now. Rain in areas plagued with drought would adore some precipitation. Again. I'm sorry. Forgive me.