Fear

Before my mother died in February, 2014, we talked on the phone several days a week. She told me many times that, as a child, I was absolutely fearless. I am still that way...*Well. Except spiders* When I told her about my plan to swim the Macinac Straits next summer in July, 2015, she laughed, and said: I  believe you will. So. I am doing just that, as most of you already know. And I will finish.

I have been training like a fiend for months. Then I started feeling fatigued. I didn't feel quite right. I was nauseous, and my stomach often hurt. Then I started developing pain in my stomach. I ignored it for quite a while, and assumed it was due to the stress of the fund-raising. Then it began hurting between meals. I assumed I wasn't eating enough, and increased my caloric intake, and started taking vitamins. 

Finally, about three weeks ago, it became intolerable, so I made an appointment to see my personal physician. She examined me, an ordered blood work. A week or so later, I looked at my "Patient Portal" on my computer, and noticed all of my blood work was normal. A nurse phoned me, and told me that everything was "fine". I was put on a bland diet, and prescribed over- the counter Prilosec. 

No follow up was suggested. The pain continued to worsen. I went to st. Joe's Hospital and saw a Gastroenterologist there, who suggested an immediate endoscopy. 

The procedure was painless and quick. While I was still pretty groggy, the doc came in and told me that he had found a deep ulcer.  He told me he did several gipsies, because he was unsure of the cause.  I asked him to be honest with me, and tell me what he suspected. He was hesitant to talk about it, because he didn't want me to worry. I told him I was a big girl, and really wanted to know. He said there were several possible causes: but that he felt it looked like stomach cancer, but couldn't be certain until the biopsies came back. He said it would probably take about a week. 

The prognosis for stomach cancer is very poor. The treatment would involve surgery, chemo, and radiation. I appreciated his honesty. 

Now I wait. 

I pray that it is not stomach cancer. But if it is, I will refuse treatment. 

I WILL swim the Straits next summer, and I will finish.

I ask for your prayers, because now...for the very first time...I am afraid.